One Armed Paper Hanger

Recently my husband had been complaining about his back hurting after moving some boxes at work.  I remembered seeing a new Thai massage place wedged in between a taco joint and a laundromat in the same strip mall as my favorite *cough* post-baseball pizza joint, so I drove over to check it out.  I pulled up and saw that the windows were blacked out and the only visible sign read “Massage Open” in neon.  I took a deep breath and said a quick prayer that I wasn’t about to walk into a “special” massage parlor.  You know, the kind that specialize in “Happy Endings” *cough*.

Inside turned out to be a lovely little massage place, specializing in reflexology.  $20 gets you a whole hour of reflexology head and foot massage.  For $35 you get a body massage.   What a deal!   It would be wrong of me not to try it out before I send my husband there.  You know – just in case.

I was put in a room and instructed to undress and lie face down on the table, with the blanket over me. The room was dark and my face was stuffed into the small hole at the head of the table, so when the girl came in I didn’t get a look at her.  She started the massage and I tried to turn my brain off.  You have to understand – this is difficult for me.  No matter what I’m doing, I’m always thinking about 25 different things.  Grocery lists, to-do lists, troubleshooting social scenarios where I have possibly probably totally put my foot in my mouth (this takes up a lot of time)…  During my last massage (a chair massage in the Seattle airport) my masseuse was an older woman with a cleft lip.  I have nothing against people with cleft lips, and this woman gave me one of the best massages I have ever had, but during the entire massage it sounded like there was a pug standing behind me, and I just couldn’t get past the visual.

SO – I took a deeeeeeeeep breath and tried to concentrate on the massage.  That’s when I realized that the masseuse was only using one hand, which started me thinking again.  Why is she only using one hand?  Does she only HAVE one hand?  Is she a one-armed masseuse?  How could there be a one-armed masseuse?  Who would hire a one-armed masseuse?  Why SHOULDN’T they hire a one-armed masseuse?  One-armed people deserve a shot at all the same jobs other people have.  Who’s to say that just because she only has one arm that she can’t give a good massage?   She would just have to walk around the table a lot more in order to get to everything.

Besides, There are LOTS of careers that one-armed people can do.  She could be a teacher, or a sales clerk, or a juggler…wait.  Not a juggler. But I’m sure there are plenty of OTHER things she could do.  Would someone decline to hire her based solely of her lack of appendage?  That can’t be right.  In fact, that would be very wrong!  How dare they!?  Those bastards!!   Well, I, for one, am not going to put up with that kind of discrimination.  I’ll stage a protest!  I’ll bring all my friends!  We’ll alert the media!!

It was at this point that she put both of her hands on my back.

Damn.  Just when I was getting ready to jump on the bandwagon.

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17 Responses to One Armed Paper Hanger

  1. moiramcc says:

    My worst massage moment maybe ever was a guy in Vail. It wasn’t that iwas a guy, I don’t mind that at all. it was his bREATH. OMG why I did not just say “can you please leave the room, have a mint and come back in?” is beyond me. the entire time I was concentrating on not gagging. I can still smell it years later.

  2. Shannon, your favorite friend. says:

    There’s is always someone that has to ruin our plans! Stupid, two-armed woman! You made me laugh so hard I started coughing, now I can’t stop and Clemson, who is laying next to me in an attempt to nap, because his life is so hard, is giving me the hairy eyeball for disturbing his slumber! So, in a way, that same girl is ruining Clemson’s plans by having two arms and being the focus of this blog entry! When will her dastardly ways finally be snuffed out?!?!

  3. Stacey says:

    LOVE that place!! Sounds like you went for the $35 treatment… The $20 massage, it turns out, is actually full body, and possibly the best massage(s) I’ve ever had. You’re in an open room, with bamboo curtains or barriers between the chairs. But you don’t strip down, I usually go in with a camisole under a t-shirt, and remove the tee. Here’s the great thing, you see the masseuse before she starts. I can tell you which one’s my favorite 😉 Let me know when we can meet up there… Unless that might be weird, in which case let’s just meet for lunch sometime soon.

    P.S. Loving the blog. You’re funny. You’re really funny!

    • mweisenberg says:

      I LOVE that place. Steven is the best by far. I love the $20 “foot massage” which is a full body thing. I may even go today!

      • Shannon, your favorite friend. says:

        A $20 foot massage that is all over your body by an Asian man named Steve? There is more to this blog waiting to be written…

  4. Colleen says:

    I reluctantly went to a place just like that. Was dragged by a girlfriend with the promise of sushi and Sapporo afterwards. The entire time I was face down, all I could think of was…”Where’s my purse?…Will they go places on my body that I don’t want them to go?…Relax…relax…relax! Why the hell am I here? I just want sushi!” I guess it’s just not my thing :/

  5. Bégonia the only Paapriikaa says:

    So, that’s why you are not playing our games more often, because you’re getting massages? GOOD for YOU!!
    PS: 20 bucks is a steal. ❤

  6. Alicia says:

    The one armed masseuse hahaha!! Sitting in the doctor office reading this post laughing out loud looking like a crazy person to those in the waiting room around me;)
    Anyways where is this place????

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